Thursday, October 14, 2004

Poem 17. Sep 2004

My eyes don't lie
Look into my eyes
to find the truth
about my thoughts and feelings

in black and white
Life will never be the same
when you look into my eyes
read my heart's true words in them

The silent windows to the soul
speaking more than I would dare to say

Don't look into my eyes
I don't want to scare you away

(dedicated to the one whose name will not be named)

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Poem 7. Sep 2004

The stormy seas we've sailed
on our long and lonely journeys
to the rainbow's distant end

Much sorrow, no encouragement
within our souls
and yet we go and take the boat
away, away from all we've known
the safe and stable shores are left behind
into the depths of solitude we are immersed
mists of confusion taunting our mings
and yet we strive ahead and do not doubt
the spirit's sacred gold we cannot live without

Poem 29. Aug 2004

This is also dedicated to The Phoenix and is the last one of those for now. Just in case anyone has gotten the wrong impression here, this is not an expression of 'that' kind of feelings. He's a friend. And someone that really matters to me. But nothing in 'that' way.

I wish I could tell you what I feel
explain that all these thoughts are real
How do I know?
How do I show?

It is the never-ending game
where lies and truths are all the same
What do I say?
How goes the play?

The life we've known all out the window goes
and nothing solid left to set our feet upon

The magic that I feel -
how can I claim it to be real?
And yet this is
And yet you are
The mystery goes on forever
And the feelings that I hold will not be spoken of

But still you know
you know what it is that I'm trying to say
the wonders at work every night, every day
since I've met you, my life has all changed
and nothing of mine will ever belong to you

But I do

Storm 28/29 Aug 2004

Can you see the storm that is raging outside my window?
Can you feel the storm that is raging inside my heart?
Do you know what it feels like when something in darkness is calling?
No, you would not

Poem 28/29. Aug 2004

Sitting alone in my room at night
watching the moments go by
one after another
the endless-seeming chase of time

and nothing else remains with me
only the bittersweet sadness of the chances wasted
people never seen before and never again
life flowing by so close yet distances away

the solemn solitude of nothingness
within my soul, my very essence

a silent turbulence is stirring
gaining speed and strength and power
a hurricane of feelings in the darkness

when I lay my eyes on you
I awaken

(Dedicated to Gary)

The fall - 6/7 Aug 2004

I followed you through heaven's door
away from grace, sublimity and beauty -
all that I knew and cared for -
you said we'd fall and fall we did
I lost you in the darkness
like a spark of hope you shone
and now were gone
and I had nothing left for me
From sacredness you led me to profanity
Now I know nothing
and all memories of the world we left behind
are gone
except to haunt my mind
and taunt me at my weakest hours
You were there
You are no longer
And for me, the way that's heading back to paradise
is lost eternally
My being but a shadow
of the one that I once used to be

(Dedicated to The Phoenix aka Gary)

Peace - 3. Aug 2004

Silence and peace so expected and needed
waited for time of solitude
lonelines, love, hatred, passion and freedom
ebbing away for this interlude

Nothing of joy and nothing of power
nothing of anger and sorrow and pain
diving in depths of the dark secret waters
leaving emotions on surface, away

All that is hoped for and all that is needed
the one sacred gateway, the source and the seed
seed of illusory webs of Creation
way back to wholeness, the One where it leads

Poem 31. July 2004

The shadows of silence
towering above me
and the deep cold lonely waters
of soul sorrow
reflect distorted images
of faces never known to me
the soundless whispers in the mists
emerge from their lifeless lips
not ever moving once
except expanding more and more
till taking over every wall
and every corner of my mind
nowhere to go, no place to hide behind
and fight them I cannot
for they are right to speak
the story of my fall
black earth is opening beneath me
for I belong no longer in this world
an endless down and low that my way goes
the faces dissapear and nothingness takes over...

then, like a messenger of dawn, I hear a call
soft rays of light are reaching out for me
dispersing all the darkness, silence
changing all I thought was true
I look around to see who's calling...
it is you

(dedicated to Gary)

Poem 2. July 2004

So, fine, you can hate me if you wish
I know it is what I'd deserve
with little better to expect

The dullness of the day and night -
today, tonight -
all lost in mists of nothingness

This solitude was what I wished for

Yet once again the fire of the Phoenix, it has touched me
And now no longer do I understand the longing in my heart

Monday, September 20, 2004

Every six months - 25. June 2004

Directed to the mystery man in my mind, who seems to love Mays and Novembers to make himself known... :-) (btw this is the same person whom the 2. June 2004 poem was directed to if anyone's curious) It's nothing much as such, just thought it's kind of... interesting

every six months I think on you
every six months you think on me
every six months we try to find each other
thinking it was meant to be

I know that you are out there somewhere
but where, I do not have a clue
keep wondering and still keep searching
something so old and yet so scarily new

You are my heart and soul,
my everything
I look into your eyes
like oceans of eternity
every six months I feel a longing
to find these oceans by all means

I know I'll find you, one way or another
and somehow we will end up back together
until that time in hope I live
my love I keep for you to give

Your love and my love - 24. June 2004 morning

Your love is beautiful
like a thousand multi-coloured butterflies
rising to the sky at once
their wings containing
all the joy and radiance of the world

Your love is perfect
No sorrow's ever stained it
No pain has broken this young heart

You love for the love of it
asking for nothing in return
The light within you
shines the brighter
the more you share of it

And love responds from all around
to your wild perfect life
the lovely angel, sweetest-smelling rose you are
Your love - divine a blessing to the world

My love is darker
tainted with days full of loneliness
and nights of unshed tears -
and those that did emerge
black drops upon my soul

A lonely, long and winding road
into a place not ever entered
by a human soul before
Too dark and threatening
to those untouched by sorrow
not broken by the pain

Still I choose my love over yours
for only one that sorrow knows
can truly value happiness
Only the one that has been hurt can heal

The realms of joy I leave to you
and walk into my world, my home,
the place that I belong

My heart is strong
and knows the way
my love has stayed
throughout the troubled days

My love remains

Choice - 24 June 2004 morning

I'm walking in the coldest deepest darkness
Trees of illusion all around
spread out their branches, black and lifeless
entwined in an embrace -
that gloomy touch far more than I could ever wish for.
The loneliness, it strikes again
This desolate world was birthed for it

Right next to me a light appears
the promises of joy and love
in other realms fulfilled
resounding in the space around -
if I would just submit,
accepting their version of reality...

I take a look and turn away
this brightness is misleading
The depth of sorrow's what I need
This desolate world was birthed for me

Confusion - still the same night

Love I cannot decline

How do I tell someone
who's come to bring me
what I've wished for all my life
that their access is denied?

How could I hurt myself like that,
the one who's come to me
and anyone who's heard
those years-long desperate prayers
shouted in my mind?

How do I say this is not right?

Yet even now I'm doubting
and feel uncertain what to do

The wonderful illusion all diffused
and left a strange and new reality for me to live.

Amnesia - 24. June 2004 night

She has awakened in the strangest little place
with no awareness of what was before
The crowd around her strange and new
yet now her family they claim to be
while she keeps asking: "Who is me?
And what is this? Where am I anyway?
Where did I come from?"

She wants to know so much -
too little answering they'll do
to satisfy her yearning to remember
her new yet ancient heritage

The wind is whispering to her
that only she the answers knows
deep deep within the knowledge never left her

More 24 June 2004 night

My home is loneliness
and sorrow is my middle name

the blue-gray mists
surrounding single wanderers
in places never meant
for human beings to reach

This time of walking solo
is a must
is a need
is the only thing left for me
to remind me of the truth

My truth.


Intermezzo - still 23/24 June 2004

Not quite the same stuff as the rest of the creation of those hours, but I thought I'd have it here anyway...

The question is there
the question remains
the question of why
it always pertains

Nights full of illusions
hidden away
All passion, confusion -
emotions' delusion -
obscuring, yet clearing the way

A night of self-discovery 23. - 24. June 2004

There's a lot to say but I'd rather have the expression of my feelings from that time do that for me :-)

So here I am,
surrounded by the love I've always longed for
a warmth that feels so close,
yet never touching me for real
The comfort offered sooths my soul a little
yet it is not what I've been looking for -
not in the end

And so I go and seek within myself
the only string of hope that I appear to have been left
My only home within the ocean depths of my own secret being

Too light for darkness
yet too dark for light
where does that leave me?

Saturday, September 18, 2004

And so it always is - 21. June 2004

And so it always is
The same way that I'm used for things to end up being
Cold northern circle of arctic ice
surrounding all that once was warm
All comfort gone

Illusions of a love long lost remain
pursuing with incredible persistance
their right to dominate existance

And every time I still give in to you
Allow you tell me what to do or not
and even listen to the words you speak
your voice resounding so so clearly
in my mind

For every time I trust,
I live
just long enough
to say I'm sorry
to myself
for letting myself worry
over problems not my own
Yet every time I heed your call
to kneel before your feet
and fall

And so it always is
And so it tends to end up being

Thank you - 21. June 2004

Thank you for this spark of light
illuminating all the depths of darkness
devouring my heart and soul eternally

This shining light you brought my way,
a graceful radiance of the moon
melodic fluttering of fairy wings
and glistening drops of rain
that fell upon them from the sky above

The magic of a double rainbow
encrypted in these golden words
that have been birthed to set me free
to light my soul on fire

Thank you - may it be

Monday, September 13, 2004

Memory of us - 2. June 2004

To the one from my visions... real... or not... does not matter. He will live forever in my heart.

From misty shadows you emerge
so silently approaching me
can see you and can feel you
in my mind

I close my eyes and heed your call
your warmest radiance in the dark
a quiet moment of at-onement
devotion, care for one another
is our beacon in this world

the memory of you in the nights
one love I had to leave behind
will stay with me throughout this life

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Reflecting - 31. May 2004

Something I actually like for a change now... sort of like a dark fantasy or something...

In this night I stand still and do not move
time for movement is over, I feel
In front of my face there's a mirror
reflecting a world so surreal

Cold deep darkness embracing my features
and the silvery nightgown revealing my skin
pale white in this long lonely night

Two eyes of ice water reflecting my withering soul
in that cruelly impartial window I see
a tale told, too heavy for being endured

The smooth glassy surface beginning to crack

Reflecting, reflecting...

The crack growing deeper

Reflecting, reflecting...

A small drop of dark red liquid falling down

The world shatters

Blood-covered pieces of broken glass everywhere

And yet another poem 31. May 2004

I wish I could tell you the words
I've been longing to speak to your face
yet I cannot open my mouth and inform you
that I have not meant in my heart to ignore you
Oh, what does it matter? You would never care
For your annoyed mind I am simply not there
And why should I be? I am merely a ghost
in this darkness the tiniest shadow at most

Another poem 31. May 2004

So much for friendship
so much for love
so much for loyalty
and all above

Once again, sitting, cold and alone
in my own darkened room, away all life has gone
dying within, but making no sound
seeing the world moving on all around

Poem 31. May 2004

Crappy, I know, but I thought I'd put it up any way... don't know why...

The warmth of a smile on the face of a stranger
serves to remind me my alienation
Hearing birds chirping and people talk
What a lonely day - what a lonely walk
A chilly wind blows, penetrating my clothes
all I've got left in this life is the cold
my only companion eternal, my friend
that will remain by my side till the end

All is over - 31. May 2004

Stormy waves of angry moments
bursting through me, come alive
in this world, if life was water,
empty desert all around

Cold and dark, bypassing minutes
of another hopeless day
waiting, quietly resigning
to whatever comes my way
Silence's broken by a noice
the quiet screaming of my heart
seeing there is no solution
what once was, now torn apart

All is over

Poem 29.May 2004

...And guess what? I found another love poem...

Being consumed by the flames
of ever-burning passion
lit by the look in your eyes

going for a roller-coaster journey
of touching you, feeling you, exploring you
within my soul

Some things might not be meant to be
but none can stop my heart from dreaming...

Poem 28. May 2004

A butterfly climbing out of her cocoon
A baby bird spreading her wings
to fly for the first time
A tiny light growing brighter
A child's soul being reborn

The way - 27. May 2004

Walking deepest valleys of sorrow
with a glistening hope far ahead
shimmering light like illusion:
now it's there - now it's not

Darkest pits of despair on the way
plants with thorns, steepest cliffs
block the passage ahead
and a thousand mirages,
lickering lights in the shadows
arising to be consumed again
by the vast realms of ultimate weariness
Is the way worth the struggle?

Icy spikes of child fears
prick the skin of my soul
Hesitation, confusion devouring me
Which way to go?

Want to run but stand still
in this place of lost dreams

Trapped in realms of un-life
having nowhere to go
but that one shining light far away
Hard or not, ahead lies my only way

Poem 27. May 2004

I look at the sky
and see clouds floating by
the birds flying high
crying out for their lives
in the night

A moment of reflection - 25. May 2004

This lonely gloomy space I'm in
indulging into silent thoughts
of life and all there ever was
this private quiet moment on my own
such a big room
such a small me
and fear to be discovered
by the ones that know me not
how could they understand
that telling me to go away
they would be telling me to drown my soul
strict rules and regulations matter most
in this establishment called school
so how'd they know or recognise
the value of this solitude...
to drift away and dream a dream...
things are not always what they seem...

Would you... - 25. May 2004

would you take another breath
and give another chance to life
this cold and loveless city night
awaiting you - a hopeless day

would you close your eyes
to open them again
in this dreary realm of abandonment
with not a light in sight

would you stand and walk again
the lifeless streets of despair
in this God-forsaken city
all doors closed, nowhere to go

would you choose to live again
despite all pain that life still throws your way
would you be the one to stay
and not give up

would you share with them
what you yourself have never had

Bring the world a ray of hope


Poem 25. May 2004

She looks into my eyes
and seems offended
"How can you be so careless?
Where are your loyalties today?
Have you no feelings?"
Her gaze as hard as stone
as cold as ice
so ruthless, blaming, questioning
not understanding ever
for how could she?
She does not see beyond herself
and ways she is acquainted with
why should she?
She's content
and happy where she stands
so easy to put verdicts on
what one knows not the basic ground behind

So sure, I'm careless, rock-heard, heartless
and naught of feelings know
if that's what you have wished to see
not knowing of the cold
that's creeping there behind my back
each moment of each day
and when I feel its chilly touch
I wish it'd go away
but it would not, it never does
and then I cry alone
so many times the tears were shed
and noone's ever known
too many times - no more I can
so you can judge away
I'm careless, senseless, oh-so-cold...
one tear would make my heart explode

Daffodil - 25. May 2004

A yellow daffodil in this gloomy classroom
a source of joy, of colour, light
a golden sparkle in the dullness
all radiating, shining bright
a sun that's reaching for the sun
reflecting heavens here on Earth...
in my illusion
for even this little daffodil
is artificial
in this cold mechanic world

Forgetting - 24. May 2004

A butterfly you caught flying free
a little star-sparkle shimmering in the depths of cosmic ocean
you called out for me
all the wonders that were supposed to be there on Earth
the thousand shades of colour, counting those and more
experiencing life so little known before
promising me power, fame, success
if I just followed you
if I just came with you
if I were yours that day
The world I never knew would fall before my eyes
I would be great, I would be someone
so you said
for that, I had to bid your will
I came and entered the unknown
forgetting all that was before
You knew - you must've known
these ties would never let me go
the wealth and fame all torn away
before my eyes the world did fall
but not the way I'd ever thought
small, lost, forgotten in this cold
a place of life, ambitions, pleasure
the hidden chests with golden treasure
all covered by this concrete madness
and what is it that I am here for?
all long-forgotten
who am I?
I do not know
the sound of truth I don't remember
these hard brick walls
and glassy doors
the money, looks and highschool proms
rules, regulations and routine
fear, competition in it all
would not release my shattered soul

Poem 11. May 2004


Walking the streets of abandonment once again
searching for the love I once believed was there
In the shadows with no way out

What's there -
a mirage of hope -
a light that is not

Tricked and fooled again
It's time to stop searching

The blue blue blue depths.....

Standing there, looking down at the dark, deep blue waters
flowing there, so cold, calm and calling - calling for me
this liquid mirror to my soul
a store of hidden pain and fears
a secret pool of unshed tears

so peaceful-looking at the moment
yet entering leaves no way out
The trapping of illusions: what's real and what it not?
So calm amidst all the confusion that's located within my soul

All turbulences have dissolved,
left nothing but the heavy silence
of the one that's chosen not to live -
each moment passing by at distance
the surface barely rippled by the wind

It's winter in my soul -
the icy covers make it hard to breathe
Left nothing but the depths within myself;
desiring nothing - just to pass away
I let the darkness swallow me

(10. May 2004)

And here starts the real thing...

I think I'll be spending the whole day on May here today, cause I discovered I have a lot more there than I remembered. And most of it isn't on the computer so I'll have to type it in etc. But anyway, here comes...


I guess you do not like me at the moment...
For that, I could not blame you -
I cannot say, that I did, either...

so dark and cold these days this world -
life in itself something so alien and distant to me
So frightening, strange and hostile
I used to cry,
I used to feel,
I used to pray to all and any goddamn forces on this planet
so something happened
Not anymore -it's gone, it's past, it's history

And do you even know how much it hurt?
What would you do if your soul was torn apart?
Pretend it don't exist?
Yeah, right
Not even you could do that

I know that I don't fit your expectations
I'm not your ideal perfect person
I guess you hate me -
I probably should care
But how?
And why?
You were the one who told me not to show my feelings
Or best not feel at all
So here I am
just right for you...
or not?

Perhaps it is your wish
that you would never truly like me either way
And if that's so
do not expect me following your bidding anymore

(10. May 2004)

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Yay!... and we've finally officially reached May!

This is where I actually wanted to start this thing from, but I thought I'd have some of the older stuff up here as well just for the comparison... oh well, at least I'm here finally... and yes, I know, I know, this poem's like the classic escapist excuse... but you've gotta admit, I had a reason to feel that way back then...

You just don't understand

You look at me
and you don't understand
you never did
I guess why would you even need to know
something that's so beyond your grasp
you can hide behind normality
stay in the safety of your zone
But I cannot

It's home for you but not for me

You find this good and safe
but how about the cold and cruelty?
You're used to it - I'm not
and, well, I wouldn't want to be
nobody should be used to this
so numb and so expectant

the magic realms I left behind
still reminiscent in my mind

(4. May 2004)

I am who I am - 27. April 2004

I am who I am

I am who I am
and that is all that I could ever be
You can hate me
despise me
hurt me
reject me
Do whatever you wish

I can't be something that I'm not,
deny the person that I am

You can make me wish
that I was dead
that I was never born
and never had existed
But no matter how you try
you cannot make me come undone

For I was loved enough to be created
enough to be given the gift of life
being simply who I am,
no more needed and no less

I was created to be who I am
and even you have to accept that

(27. April 2004)

Hopelessness - 22. April 2004

This was me trying to express something that I didn't actually feel at that time, but what I had felt for many years before. Enjoy


Screaming silently

in my mind

All the pain that noone knew was there

The feelings I denied myself expressing

remained still present in my life

Waves of dark music entering me

running through my veins

saying all that I cannot

And in my mind I scream

Cries from the deepest of my heart

in that cold world

Nobody would listen

Nobody would care

Is anyone there?

Is anyone out there anywhere?

How longer much will this go on?

Is there any way out?

Only cold and heaviness around me

pushing me down, taking me in,

suffocating, suffocating...

There's been too much and more

And I can't stand to think about tomorrow

The body might yet be alive

but the soul within is dying

All I wish is that tomorrow never comes


In the morning I awaken

No, please not, please not again

Not abother day to live through

World full of unanswered prayers

It is warm here and I wish

that I could stay here just like this

Fall asleep and never wake again

But no, not now, not ever

Cruel reality sets in

Cold penetrates thin covers of my hopes

Again, life that I wished I'd never have to face

slapping me and snapping to get back into reality

So much for mercy...

Illusion - 22. April 2004

Okay, don't ask me why I wrote it... I usually write about things I know and have experienced. I hadn't had as much as a normal conversation with a guy till recently. So... yeah... The feelings' part is genuine, though... I guess it's not a requirement that you've experienced that exact situation if you can feel into it. The point is that it has to mean something to you, whether it's of 'real life' or not. Oh well... here comes...


The warm embrace
of a lover's arms
in a cold night

crying out silently
look into me, look into me
and heal me
heal my heart
let your love wash away
the pain inside

do you see me?
do you listen?
I feel the body close
but where's the soul?

And suddenly the cold creeps in
no longer I feel safe and warm
the feel of loneliness becomes unbearable
and I escape into the night to cry again
just like before
so many times
Too many times

(22. April 2004)

Nearly there

Okay then... the one love poem I've written... I believe while writing this was when I truly realised how relevant it is to have an emotional connection with the subject you're writing about. The feeling has to be so strong it needs expression. This... impulse or something. I think it's a prerequisite for truly meaningful poetry. Otherwise, no matter how well written, it just won't have the soul in it. It won't touch the reader's heart. Um, okay, right, I wasn't really planning to comment on stuff so much but oh well... I guess I'm a little too expressive at times... anyway, here it is...


I saw you, angel
Saw you standing in the light
Bright as the sun on a summer day
Wise, beautiful and strong
All I could know was awe
So small so little next to you I felt
You were the purest of the pure
the highest of the high
the brightest of the light
You spoke -
each word resounded like a blessing
that it was
And suddenly the darkness broke
The light you shined had lit me up
I'll never forget
that radiance of love
I thanked the heavens for that magic
the miracle of seeing you
To meet an angel in this world
is more than one could ever wish for

I saw you, angel
saw you crying in the darkness
feeling all was lost
just loneliness and pain
remaining your companions for eternity
searching for the light
reaching out for love,
acceptance that was never there

Oh angel, can't you see yourself?
The beauty that you are
How could you NOT be loved?
Whether standing on a pedestal
or crawling in the gutter
Light or dark,
weak or strong,
happiness or sorrow in your soul
My love belongs to you

(written 19. April 2004)

Okay, we're getting there... almost

Well, one thing I've definitely discovered while looking through all the older stuff, is that the May flood didn't emerge from nothing. I have written poetry before, and though lesser in both quantity and quality, there's still more than I thought. Which is pretty cool. But anyway, the next piece is from the middle of April and here it comes...


In the the mist and the fog
I searched for the light
for the beauty my soul had known,
the mysteries and secrets,
the sacred connections
through the cold and the rain
walking away
reaching out
turning around
trying to find
the love, that once was there

Where's it now?
Do I even remember
that it ever was?

Darkness absorbing me
Here I find comfort
Here I find peace
The light brings but cruelty,
the dullness of day
where life is forbidden
and love is the greatest sin

(written 13 or 14 April 2004)

Still pre-history but closer... - Gray

I typed it in on Feb 25th of 2004, but I think I actually wrote it a bit before that. Not quite 'it' yet, but some development from July, I guess... was written during at school during a lesson of German, I believe (now you know what I did during those). Anyway, read and decide for yourselves


The snow is melting
Cold rain is pouring from the sky
The wind is merciless
So slippery is ice

The sky is gray
and gray the snow,
the houses, trees
and faces of the people rushing by

For work, for school,
For yet another dull and grayish day

From dull to dull
From gray to gray
Few different mornings,
few different days

How long will this continue?
How long will it go on?
No wonder people doubt
existance of the soul
For theirs was forced to sleep
and never let to wake
When will they free themselves?
What would it take?

I look around again,
then sigh and walk away
Somewhere, there's brighter colours
Somewhere - a brighter day

(written somewhere in February 2004)

Something pre-historical

I thought I'd start it off with something I'd written before the real poetry floodgates opened for me, and this would be one of, or perhaps the very first attempt to write poetry in English (I'd tried some writing before, but it was all in Estonian and none of it would really be worth noting). Just thought it might be interesting to have it here for comparison...

Who am I?
Where am I?
Home is so far away, behind the darkness that is surrounding me.
Is there a home at all?
Has there ever been?
Was it real?
Was it not?
Is this real?
All those worlds in front of my eyes
So near yet so far away
I can't enter them
Why am I stuck here?
Why can't I go home?
Is it even real?
Is there a home?
Or maybe it was all an illusion
Maybe this is my home
Maybe I don't have a home at all
Only illusions
Surrounding me
Then light
Then darkness again
Glimpses of something
Strange and unreal
Yet beautiful
So far away
What am I seeing?
What am I feeling?
Is there really a home?
Is there such a place?
I feel like a child
So curious about the world
Wanting to see and experience all of it
Yet run to her mother every time something frigtens her
Where is she?
I feel so alone
And all is so frightening
Why did you leave me?
Why did I leave you?
I want back
But no
I can't
I can't hide the world forever
It is time to grow and experience
I feel it
Is it really so terrible?
With every moment life becomes more beautiful
Perhaps there's a meaning to it...

(written on 1st July 2003)